


Now That I Know

by why_to_bee



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Confused Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Confused Na Jaemin, Light Angst, Mark Lee talks a lot, Music Video: GO (NCT Dream), Na Jaemin-centric, OT7 NCT Dream, One Shot, Puberty, Supportive Mark Lee, Teenagers, overthinker Na Jaemin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:07:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25636291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/why_to_bee/pseuds/why_to_bee
Summary: "Sorry, can you please go out... I finished." He looked at me and grinned mockingly. "No, I'd like to stay. To talk with you..." he said simply and kindly, looking at his hands again. I, again, should have smiled or laughed at this but the pressure on my chest didn't let me and I got suddenly very angry at him. Why couldn't he understand that I was stressed because of him? That I hated myself in his presence?*~*~*~*~*~*"Hey, change your ways"How can a teenager boy bear with his fears and insecurities when there's not so many handrails in his life...? Are there anything he could take as help to get back his life together and be more confident in himself...?~ takes place in South Korea, in early 2018~ quotes that are not tagged after are from NCT DREAM - 'GO'"Living without much thoughtLike you're being swept awayA distant future for yourselfAgain, another deep regret"
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 11





	Now That I Know

**Author's Note:**

> Hii, this is my first story here on AO3.
> 
> It's crossposted on Wattpad :))
> 
> Enjoy!✨

**_"I will tell you I love you_ **

**_But the muffs on your ears will cater your fears" /T.O.P/_ **

**~** **ㅇ** **•*°^∆^°*•** **ㅇ** **~**

_"It's all the same story"_

''You're good?'' I heard Jaehyun's voice. No, I'm not. I'm afraid. I'm scared of them I don't want to face all of them right now. I wanted to do it slower. Like, I'd speak to Jeno first, who'd embrace me in his tight hug and wouldn't say a word, he already knew everything. And then probably Chenle who surely wouldn't be able to wait longer and then Renjun who'd scold me that I didn't tell him sooner. Then Jisung who probably wouldn't even realise that I got back. After that, I'd call Mark and we'd talk like I didn't even lack in anything. He'd say that he was glad that I came back and that they missed me.

I didn't realize I didn't answer to Jaehyun just now that he looked back at me from the passenger seat. He seemed okay with my long silence, didn't push it and I was grateful for that. He insisted to come with me since I seemed so stressed, but he sat in the passenger seat in order not to bother me with sitting next to me and making me feel I have to speak with him. I was glad for that too.

''Yeah, I'll be good'' I lied and smiled at him ''I have to be'' I didn't feel good at all but somehow, I had to do it. I looked out from the car's window and tried to distract my thoughts and fix my eyes from time to time on a tree or flowers or the clouds or a bird in the sky, which was already coloured by the sundown's paintbrush. They were fixed.

Solidly existing.

That was that I was lacking the most these days – _steadiness_.

''Keep calm kid, you can do it. Don't forget, they are waiting for you. They're happy to get you back'' Jaehyun said as he gave me my suitcase and pillow, in front of the dorm. Looking at this place gave me goosebumps. I couldn't figure out yet, if it was good or bad. I was just... shaking inside.

''Yeah, thank you'' I said bluntly then waved to the man sitting in the driver's seat, waiting for Jaehyun, he waved back with a sympathetic look. And I headed to the entrance.

I waited long minutes to finally have the courage to ring the bell. I tried to calm my heart and my pulse down. It didn't succeed and I already had a stomach-ache from the anxiety, so I decided to push myself forward before I'd totally lose my consciousness. I pressed the bell noticing it with clenched eyes that it really rang inside. I heard a loud thud and then quiet steps towards me. And then silence. I waited. I figured it'll be Jeno and wondered whether he was taking his time for the exact same feeling as me or for another, rather more inconvenient feeling – that he didn't want to open the door, but he knew he had to at the end.

I was _black-hearted,_ I knew.

''Hey...'' he said as he opened the door and I could see as real merriment made its way on his face. I smiled wide and a little weight fell from my chest. As I saw Jeno smiling for me, only for me, happiness braced me. ''... You're back!" he said calmly, hurriedly stepping out and hugging me tight to his body, never stopping patting my back with his hands. My head fell on his shoulder and I hugged him strongly. ''I am'' I whispered.

Suddenly guilt washed over me. I never intended to go away for so long, and now I wanted to stay with him, with them. I felt... I knew Jeno missed me, he counted on me. I couldn't make it last time and now he wanted to protect me. He was afraid I'll go again. I didn't want him to feel like that because of me.

''I'm sorry... I-'' started but he cut me off, breaking our hug. ''Stupid, I'm not angry and you didn't do anything!'' he raised his voice.

''I didn't plan it''

''You always say this like you could do anything. The only thing I'm angry at is this- this stupid back thing...'' he mumbled thinking hard to remember the name of it.

''Herniated disc'' I laughed and hugged him again. Oh, how I missed him. Even if we spoke almost every day it was hard to stay in touch since they always had schedules and through the year, very rarely could he visit me.

''Yes, exactly'' he laughed and motioned me into the room but stopped as he felt my body tense. And that was when again, I felt cluster in my throat. I stood firmly however I didn't want it to display on my body. I didn't want to make him feel like I don't want to meet them. I just needed a bit more time. He looked at me, brushed my shoulder and then gently pulled my arm. ''Come on'' as we went in and was going to the room where loud laughter and shouting could be heard.

We stood at the door frame now when he leaned closer to my ears ''They won't eat you, Jaemin-ah'' he whispered. After a millisecond he added "he isn't even here" said even more quietly, almost inaudibly. But I caught it and it made me wonder how my friend could read me so well after a year not being in close contact. I let out a shaky sigh that I didn't even know I held and stepped in the room.

''Guys, look who I got at our door.'' Jeno immediately spoke instead of me, again, knowing me too well. Everyone looked at me and smiled widely. Chenle jumped up and rushed to me.

''Took you long enough to bring him in'' Renjun said mockingly but smiled and stood up too. I smiled wide and laughed as Chenle gave his strongest hug lifting me up from the floor. Neither did I spare a bit of strength, I gained back my happy face and started to feel very comfortable in no time. Every anxiety was washed away.

''Hi guys, I missed you so much, thank you for waiting for me'' I said finally looking around.

''We didn't wait for you'' Jisung gave me an amused look to which I replied with my blunt look and then shook my head laughing. Jisung laughed too and nodded in agreement. He knew I didn't mean it as waiting with content, with promotions or concerts. I knew it couldn't stop with the fact that I wasn't not with them. The band and individually the boys too, needed to develop in every aspect. They couldn't just stop at Chewing Gum. They matured in many ways. 

I meant that they waited for me as a friend, as a bandmate and they made it very clear that they wanted me to come back. If I didn't hear from Jeno that they talked about me and even Jisung missed my hugs and luscious words, I would surely never come back. I had one too many reasons not to. 

"Happy belated birthday, Jisung-ah!" I smiled brightly at him, pinching his cheeks and Chenle shot me a glare. "Don't remind him," he snorted "he's been rubbing under my nose how we are in the same age and tries to prove that the maknae is actually me-" "Aren't you though?" Jeno laughed. "Don't believe anything these two says," he whispered, patting my back "they're bickering 24/7. The best is to not give out whose side are you taking."

''Haechan and Mark is with Taeyong, Yuta and Johnny hyung, practicing. They're going to come back soon though.'' Chenle sounded like he wanted to apologize for the inconvenience of having to wait for them. ''I'm sure...'' he even added, the huge smile on his face telling me not to worry because I'd see them soon.

I must have been sad that they weren't yet here to great me.

Oh boy, how I felt otherwise. The air suddenly got a bit heavy for me and probably for Jeno too. I looked at him and saw how dismay went through on his face for a moment then he tried to look elsewhere maybe trying to avoid facing with his friend's problems, but it was hard for him since it was about his _best friend_. 

When he finally looked at me, I saw pity in his eyes. In other times I would hate him for that and ask to stop and don't care about me so much but now in this specific moment I needed his pity. I needed to have someone who knew about what was going on inside me, what amount of pressure had been placed on my chest with Chenle's single sentence. So much that I couldn't normally breath for a fraction of time.

Now I realised what I was trying to avoid with so much anxiety the whole day. The fact of Donghyuck being. The fact that he couldn't be avoided for too long. Looking at him, I knew, I couldn't avoid facing with my past feelings and acts towards him. I nodded to the boy and smiled. ''Cool'' I tried to sound as honest as I could.

''I'm starving guys, can we eat something'' I added to alleviate the situation.

While the boys found out what they wanted to eat, Jeno and I went to my yet empty room and he helped me put my stuff out. He didn't actually help me though, he just stood at the rim of my bed and swung his arms, watching me as I hurried to find my clothes and gadgets a perfect palace. He looked at me like he wanted to say something. 

''What?'' I asked with obtuse eyes whilst I was clearly aware what he wanted to ask about. I just gave him a second chance to change his mind about it because I didn't want to talk about Donghyuck. Not now when I was mentally preparing myself for that in minutes, I'll have to hug him and pretend that I didn't made a fool of myself in front of him half a year ago, that his behaviour didn't hurt me, and I wasn't scared to face him. This weight seemed heavier than the first one...

Maybe because I was the source of it. And maybe because I couldn't solve it alone.

''Are you okay?'' well it seemed Jeno didn't think of the same. I still tried ''Fine...happy being with you again'' I said honestly and smiled up at him for only a brief second so he couldn't start to search other answers on my face. But I failed again. ''Jaemin, don't be like this, I saw it on your face." he nagged.

"Jeno, I don't want to talk about this." Jeno shook his head in disbelief and he was clearly annoyed by my behaviour. Already I made him mad. Fabulous. "But I don't want to see suffering on your face. I don't want to look my friend being depressed all day long..." he sighed angrily. "Believe me, Haechan is not mad at you. He surly have forgotten it.'' I winced at the name but then only scoffed, I didn't want to dive deeper into it, because I'd might run away before he even came. How can one forget such things?

The boys didn't want to cook since they wanted to speak and play with me instead – which from the start narrowed down to only playing - they ordered Chinese noodles with chicken wings and we settled down on the couch in front of the PCs to play Overwatch. Jisung and Chenle were talking nonsense things that happened with the boys lately and I didn't know about and time to time they succeeded to make me laugh and distract from my thoughts on the very near future. 

We started a new game and I watched as Jeno choose a character, the Widowmaker. "Don't take it" I exclaimed a bit too suddenly for my liking. As far as I knew she was Donghyuck's favourite character and he never let anyone to play with her. "Aish, he isn't here. We'll end it until he comes back." Renjun said and Jeno already clicked on it. 

Funny thing, that even Donghyuck didn't play with it, he couldn't master her character and so he didn't let anyone try to master it. He claimed that she is too perfect, too immortal, too dangerous in her role of damage, so it has no use to play with the character. But in reality, he was just afraid of what if someone other than him might master playing with her. He admired her from afar and it seemed it was only me who respected his choice of rules, which, in itself, made me question myself if I was really over the things, I once felt for him. In my normal state I thought I was. Now, I was just scared, what if his presence made me change my mind but I also knew it only could be checked if I'd face him again. 

"Mercy, please do something, I'm in the need of healing" Renjun called my character's name, nudging me.

Soon after this, I found myself standing up and greet Mark and Donghyuck. Mark was head over heels to finally meet me, unfortunately he couldn't visit me during my time at home, since he had too much programmes to attend. Everyone was aware that Mark really had a lot, making songs and comebacks both with 127 and DREAM, it was hard and tiring for him. 

Just like it was for Donghyuck, but maybe because the boy was younger with less commitments or the fact that he didn't write lyrics and maybe because he seemed always so hyperactive, it all made him less vulnerable than the older. But I saw how hard Donghyuck worked too, that was why I didn't bother him anymore after he quitted speaking with me. That was why I didn't push talking about our relationship however I would have needed to, because by the time I became terribly anxious about it.

I should have act sooner, now I was filled with too many thoughts too many emotions to think clear and now I was standing in front of the boy and hardly could look at him. And he hugged me strongly and seemingly affectionately, but I couldn't reciprocate his act. I hugged him too, since it would've seemed very strange if I pushed myself from him, though I would've very much loved to; I didn't say anything. "Jaemin-ah" he said quite simply making me feel all strange and uncomfortable. 

"Wait" he said suddenly, breaking the hug – finally I could normally breath again – his eyes were glued on the computer, he gaped a few times with amused face then choked out: "You're kidding with taking the Widowmaker?!" I rolled my eyes, watching Jeno running around the house with Donghyuck being tightly after him, shouting that he was not at all funny and that he should have grown up already to respect others' requests.

The whole evening was pretty calm and went quietly. The boys showed off the new choreography, which I had to start learning tomorrow. I had seen GO already in practice videos but it wasn't the same... they were freaking amazing. Even in that not-so-spacious room, they were fantastic. All of them developed a lot and specialized their movements, they were synchronized, looked neat, smooth and free. 

They were all the things I wasn't. 

Those few occasions I attended dance classes in my last three weeks of my convalescence leave, weren't at all enough. I knew I was hard on myself, but I was right at this point. I lacked in every aspect. This more than a year made me weaker in many ways. Not only was I unable to dance and train myself for a long time or learn and keep up with their choreographies, I became weaker mentally too. Fans' happiness didn't give me joy since I didn't feel the boys' success was _mine_. Instead it made me guilty and sad. 

The other thing was that I didn't have any other friends than the guys from the management and so I felt awfully lonely at times when all of them had schedules and worked. I had way too much time to ponder about how miserable my state was. I had too much time for speculate about Donghyuck too and that escalated in many unwanted actions from my side.

I realised how I loved his jokes, his laugh and how heavily I became addicted to his dance moves let alone his unique voice. I remembered about the times we hugged each other or played stupid games with the others. We were the two most affectionate and loving ones among the 7 of us and time to time we became each other's embarrassing factors, especially _him_ for me: Stolen kisses on the cheek, hugs or a hand on my thigh - plus all those times, I spent thinking about it - made me think I might feel something for him.

In my state of sickness, I regularly felt fragile and vulnerable therefore I desperately needed things to joint myself to, also as in relationships. As I came across the fact that I won't be able to meet the boys, meet Donghyuck for a long time I started to panic which resulted in kind of... confessing my undying love to him. Which was totally nonsense and wild and funny – mostly – and soon, after my depressed period, I realized it too that what I felt wasn't love at all. It was just the fear of losing a blooming friendship where I undeniably and openly adored and worshipped the other but out of pure admiration and probably _envy_ too. And I wanted to do it back but by that time Donghyuck already had cut off our relationship. 

He surely had his reasons, the main was probably that he didn't have the time to deal with his crazy friend who suddenly had been hit by puberty, because there was an other band where he had to fulfil his role. So, I didn't blame him for leaving me hanging but still, it hurt – the fact that I couldn't explain him how I misunderstood my own emotions and I couldn't say sorry to him either, which he would have deserved, since it had to be a heavy task to deal with his questions and feelings about it.

And so, because I couldn't clear myself and because neither did I know how he felt, I just shut down in front of him, fearing from the worst – that he hated me. I simply didn't look at him at all, I wouldn't sleep tonight if I caught a disgusted or an annoyed look from him towards me so I ignored him in every possible way. 

But this developed in a very unexpected way, when he suddenly jumped up from his seat jolting everyone around, he looked at me angrily, shaking his head disappointedly and then he walked out of the room to his own. Everyone looked at me, I clearly couldn't deny that it happened because of me, so I didn't deny it. I just sighed rubbing my temples. 

Now, at least I knew he cared for me. I just had to figure out how much he hated me and what was he waiting for me to do. 

If only I wasn't so scared of it.

_„I don't have the confidence (I do)_

_Are you hiding behind? (yeah)"_

**~** **ㅇ** **•*°^∆^°*•** **ㅇ** **~**

_"If no one can understand me_

_Then my dream will make you understand"_

As we were getting closer to the building where our practice room was, bigger and bigger weight started to develop in my chest. It was suffocating. I didn't know I'd be this whiny, but nothing made it easier for me. I still couldn't look at Donghyuck let alone speaking with him and it seemed neither was he permanently affected by my behaviour yesterday. He was with Mark in the front, telling him how he and Yuta "scared the shit out of Taeyong" a week ago, and I was at the back walking with Jeno in silence. He didn't say anything, clearly knowing that I was stressed and speaking about it wouldn't be a good idea right before dance practice however starting an other topic for conversation also didn't seem to be very fruitful. So, we stayed quiet and listened to Renjun, Chenle and Jisung talking about our song.

It was a new experience for everyone; the most meaningful year and the most serious topic in DREAM's life was coming up soon. Until this time, it was only hovering above us like a reoccurring nightmare, which we were waiting for to evaporate itself, but now it became so vivid and harsh that it hurt our imagination: Mark's graduation and with that, his leaving from the group. We knew, GO wasn't the last song we would do together, since the management had planned a proper comeback for us until September but still, we had less and less time to be together.

And this song, as I remembered the lyrics, hit us very hard, at least me. Since my part was recorded with me alone during my recovery, I had the time and the loneliness to think about it. It was way more serious and mature – wilder and sexier too – than the songs before. Jeno once told me, that he was nervous during its recording. Very rarely was he nervous during recording...

This song somehow reminded me of how fast time actually goes, how fast and suddenly things change around us. Our songs before seemed always evergreen, they had the vibe of some kind of never-fading, like our happiness and childish features would never pass. And this song, GO, seemed to not just open up many other boxes full of teenage problems and desires but to smash the previously carefully-built jewellery box of young ease into a million pieces; and show, how relativity really goes with both the terribly passing feeling of youth and the eternal truthfulness in it.

It gave me goosebumps, really...

I reminded myself to tell the boys, how good and passionately they all sang and to Mark how much I liked his verse in the song. And if I wasn't a timid bunny I'd tell Donghyuck how beautiful his voice sounded and how I liked his last part when he overlapped his own voice and created a magnificent duo with himself. He really is a precious singer.

And I really am a timid bunny.

And of course, our dance instructor put me in the middle. He said it'd be perfect, since it was also my comeback from the hiatus.

Yeah.

Divine.

I had a rap part in the middle, then I was put in the centre again.

Superb.

It all would be nice if I wasn't dying in fever or fluttering myself from time to time with some stupid mistake.

I tried hard to keep up with the pace and rush at sudden place-exchanges.

Often changes of locomotion, hard and intense pops and locks, running and jumping were all in us, around us, making me dizzy and at the same time so concentrated, like I didn't have anything else than this one dance, like I lived without tomorrow. Like I didn't have any other problems. Like I had this one chance to prove my worth, the whole meaning of my existence. I swear, there were times I was freely dancing, and I really tasted a bit of relieve and mayhap victory too.

And that was good.

Simply cool.

I wasn't okay with me not being at practices or at discussions about the choreography, I felt the sudden need to prove them that I am there. Physically, mentally, and somewhere close to them in talent and skilfulness. Because I knew I wasn't. I was aware that my arms shouldn't wave like that, my legs shouldn't bend like that, I should do it like Jisung, like Jeno... like the others. In my depressed states I started to wander, will I truly ever be as good as them?

My sanity always answered like 'of course, just try harder' or 'It's not accidental that I'm here with them, right?' but recently I rather let myself be flooded with angst then to dare to get back my sanity. It apparently required bravery which I was currently lacking.

I lost it somewhere during my recovery. But now, in the middle of dancing, I realised that I didn't want to say goodbye to it.

After practice I came back from the toilet, looking around and I suddenly wanted to go back and sit in there for a little more because: All the boys were in pairs. I looked at the teacher, he was with Jisung. Then I looked at Donghyuck and... he was sitting on the floor, looking in my direction and waiting to stretch together. Cool.

I walked up to him the slowest as I could. "Are we stretching together?" I asked dumbly. "Yeah, I'm afraid" he laughed, amused by my behaviour and immediately put his arms on my shoulders as I sat down. We opened our legs and put our feet together.

I put my hands on the floor between us in order to keep myself further from his face. It was easier to pretend that I'm not as flexible than to cause myself a heart attack with looking at him so closely. However, he looked at me weirdly, so I guessed I couldn't successfully hide my nervousness. From the corner of my eyes I saw his watching gaze on me for long seconds but as soon as he realised that I won't look back, he looked away with a quiet snort.

I didn't really understand him. Was he annoyed by me? Did he want to ask something? Wasn't he angry? The only thing I figured from this incident was that he probably wasn't disgusted by me, since he wanted to be in pair with me. But I was nervous...terribly. What I knew about myself was that I was a bit hurt from his nonchalance toward my concerns, but I could easily give in as I saw his will to speak about it. At least that was what I thought but my movements towards him didn't seem to want to show this. I felt like an idiot who couldn't come out of the confusion of his own mind.

When we stood up, he turned around to show his back and raised his arms back for me to hook mine into his. So, I did. I couldn't concentrate. The only thing I heard was my heartbeat and the only thing I felt was how my blood went from my limbs to my head as he lifted me up and bent me back with himself. When he put me down again, I had to lift him up and I tried to but I couldn't keep my balance and was stumbling.

My back turned a bit to the side and the next thing I felt the weight on my back sliding and falling on the ground. That's when I realised that I dropped Donghyuck on the floor. I turned to him dumfounded as he stood up angrily looking "I'm fed up! You're impossible" and with that he went up to Jeno and changed pairs with Mark. Jeno just looked at me in surprise but Mark seemed like he understood the situation and came up to me with slight compassion in his eyes.

"Hi, you're good?"

"I guess?" I winced.

"Sorry that was an inappropriate question..." Mark winced too.

"Yeah"

We stood there, doing silently our stretching exercises for minutes. I didn't dare to speak for long. Firstly, because I felt a bit ashamed how childish I was being and secondly because I was really tired. It was my first full practice with the boys since my recovery and I really felt it. My body didn't really want to obey me anymore, at least I didn't feel so. And suddenly my recent accomplishment seemed as a piece of rubbish right now.

There were parts when I felt something moving in me and I didn't make so many mistakes, but it all collapsed when once they had to stop because of me. I felt it wasn't enough. Like, I wasn't enough. Plus, I was scared to move my back so much too. I knew I fully recovered, they wouldn't let me dance otherwise, but I was just terribly afraid of this whole nightmare coming back and I couldn't help but think of it from time to time. I stood out from them, I lost some of my knowledge and definitely some determination too, and I didn't know how much effort and time will be needed to get it back...

"Sorry for making many mistakes. Next time, I will concentrate more" I gulped looking at him.

"It's totally fine, Jisung made mistakes too." he answered laughing like he didn't fully understand. "I did too, I guess" he smiled.

"No, I mean- for making you- for being slow and for dragging you down" when I saw his amused eyes I looked down.

"What even are you talking about?" he asked with honest confusion.

"Look, I know I'm not the best and I'm trying to catch up...it's just not working well, I guess. I'm sorry for making you disappointed."

"But you're doing it right. You're here, what else could you do better. You did your best and we're all patient. And soon your body will remember everything and you'll be awesome!" he cheered trying to pep me up but his smile faded as he saw my look. "I just don't feel like I can do it, Mark" I sighed sitting down. "I feel like I will never be able to dance as well as you... I- I'm way behind all of you right now." I shook my head annoyed. I really didn't like myself.

Mark sighed looking at me with sadness in his eyes. He also sat down and looked into the huge mirror, like he wanted to ask for help from something else. I looked at him through the mirror. We locked eyes as he searched in my mine for a minute and then he switched his gaze up to the upper corner of the mirror. "You know, there is a saying, I read it somewhere, it's from Josiah Gilbert Holland, he was a-" I jolted as he did too seeing the others fastly gathering their stuff. I shifted in my position and he looked back. "So, he was a novelist and a poet I think. Anyways, he said something like- yeah like, God feeds every bird-"

"Aren't you coming?" Renjun interrupted looking back startled as we were still sitting on the floor. "Nah, just-... go without us. We'll come soon." Mark half-shouted for the others to hear too. "So, what was I saying" he turned back a bit confused about where we ended our conversation before. "The- the birds, something with the birds" I said just as confused as him, but because I didn't know why I remembered.

Mark and his parables.

"Oh yeah, exactly. So yeah- God feeds every single bird but doesn't put right in its nest" he said and then we sat in silence for seconds till he opened his mouth again. "So, what I want to say with it, that some things are easier for some people and others are easier for other people...and now, it seems you weren't put in your nest, since you had this problem with your spine therefore you couldn't be with us. It was harder for you- it is harder for you to get to where we are and I understand, you feel bad because of this, 'cause it might seem impossible and you feel alone or stupid or untalented but- I want you to know, that is not true and God or Fate or call as you wish, I call it God. So, he gave you talent and strength to it... There's and other saying" by now he laughed at himself but I just smiled, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.

"God puts only as much weight on us, as we are able to cope. And I believe it. And I think you are more than able to cope with it. Soon, you'll shine. I remember when we were trainees. You were full of life, full of laugh, happiness and you were the cutest among us, always kind, always smiley." he smiled to himself as he remembered. "And I know you are still this, I saw you!" he raised his voice and pointed at me with his fingers "I saw you during practice, despite all your concerns, you smiled, and for moments, I swear you were even able to enjoy it, to live it!" he sighed and shook his head.

"Don't let yourself led by your fears, let it out. Let it all out. With this song, especially you can. GO is for you. And for me, for all of us, heck cause we are a team and more than a team, we are friends for life! And you shouldn't forget it, we are for each other and we're nothing without each and one of our members, neither the fans. Gosh, have you seen how many people want to see you on Vlive? They are asking us for weeks now to show your face. They missed you. We missed you. And we're not blaming you, we have nothing to blame at you... merriment is what we have. So please, don't be scared to show yourself and don't be sorry, 'cause we're not sorry either" he said slowly calming down. I just looked up at the ceiling, blinking and the alae of my nose was heavily moving in order not to cry.

I felt Mark's hands at the back of my neck and moving my head back to face with him but he didn't look at me. He closed his eyes and put his forehead to mine. We sat there like that for what felt like eternity then when I made sure I won't cry I opened my mouth "Thank you..." my voice was hoarse and almost inaudible, but he heard it.

"It's okay. I know it's hard but it's fine, it is hard you know, for everyone who experience this. It's okay to be nervous too, just don't let yourself led by those negative emotions..." I felt like he would say it all again so I gently interrupted. "Yeah, I think I know what you mean" I assured him quietly. "Oh, okay then." he faltered a bit. "Just one more thing, that- that we are here for you." he added sheepishly. "I- I guess I know it now...and I'll make sure to never again forget it" I added as we parted, smiling to him.

"Cool"

"Cool"

_"we're passionate and completely crazy"_

**~** **ㅇ** **•*°^∆^°*•** **ㅇ** **~**

_„I won't live in this confusion_

_Now in order to find my answer_

_I'm gonna make it right run run run run"_

This is only the third day after my "comeback" and I already made Jeno question my mental stability, Mark worry about my dying motivation and Donghyuck, well, hate me more. Now as I was showering with almost uncomfortably warm water and wanted to clear my thoughts and put my mind to rest, I decided that I was terrified with the letter one. It freaked me out quite frankly. I didn't know when and how I would have to face and speak with Donghyuck. But I happily noticed that I worried less about the former two, since they pretty solved themselves in the action. And honestly, I started to feel that I shouldn't have even worried so much about them.

Something moved in me especially since Mark spoke with me, that what I feel is okay and it is normal to be afraid or nervous I just shouldn't let it take over me because it won't help. Everything will happen in its own way anyway so I shouldn't stress myself so hard to figure out solutions. But something still didn't click. 

What should I do then?

What can I do to replace the gap I made by pulling out the huge weight of anxiety?

I jolted as I heard a knock on the door. "Yeah?" I shouted.

"Can I come in?" I heard the voice I didn't want to. Donghyuck knocked again, waiting for my answer. "What do you want?" I asked shakily. Gosh, when did I become so _mistrustful_?

"What do you mean?" He laughed softly in disbelief. "I want to take a pee, so please be kind and let me in!" he demanded still laughing but I heard slight disappointment in his voice. I understood. I too didn't like how I behaved with him, but I was afraid of getting rejected as a friend or treated coldly so instead I tried to avoid every possible situation. Since I didn't want to pull the last strings of his nerves, I didn't ask him to go to an other bathroom.

"Come in" I said and pulled the shower curtain over to cover me. I listened as he stepped in, closing the door, slowly going to the toilet and peeing. I rolled my eyes as I heard him dragging the time with it – sprinkling slowly. Very Lee Donghyuck.

"Gosh, it's so hot in here, how can you shower with that water?!" he exclaimed with huge roller coasters in his tone. I'd almost laugh at him but the cramp in my stomach didn't let me so I just closed my eyes painfully. I finished with my shower and waited till he washed his hands and... and he didn't go out. 

I didn't want to seem prude or annoyed, so I didn't say a word yet. I wrapped myself in my towel – to which I said thanks in my mind for being near to me – and pulled out the curtain. There he sat on the top of the washing machine with his legs swinging and he himself looking at his hands in his lazy light-heartedness. I scoffed mentally but I voiced my thoughts otherwise.

"Sorry, can you please go out... I finished." He looked at me and grinned mockingly. "No, I'd like to stay. To talk with you..." he said simply and kindly, looking at his hands again. I, again, should have smiled or laughed at this but the pressure on my chest didn't let me and I got suddenly very angry at him. Why couldn't he understand that I was stressed because of him? That I hated myself in his presence?

"Well, but I don't...and I have to dress up" I stated, and his eyes shot at me and he opened his mouth, but nothing came out. The boy slowly slid down from the machine and walked out without saying a word. I knew I hurt him because I hurt myself with my words too, but I couldn't help it. I finally admitted that my fear was bigger than my will for staying conscious and reasonable.

When I was done, I grabbed my stuff and walked out from the bathroom to my room only to be met with Donghyuck's back and him sitting on _my_ bed. From that position he slouched his back even more and it made him look very small and vulnerable. He didn't say anything, didn't look at me but he seemed sad. I could tell by the air around him and probably by my words from earlier. _Shit._

I sighed but bore with the uncomfortable silence until the point came when I had nothing to waste my time with and needed to use my bed. I stepped in front of him and sighed hoping he would look at me by this. "Sorry for earlier...I was- I am tired." I lied in the hope he will be satisfied with only my apology and leave me alone. But then something unexpected happened.

"You're sucky" he choked out, finally looking up and there were... tears in his eyes. No, no, no I didn't want this. I definitely wasn't ready for this. I knew I already lost at the point when I saw his face fighting with tears, his trembling chin and the single tear which rolled down to his jaw and finally to his neck.

I only saw him cry when we got to know the fact that our band's line-up is not permanent and the one who graduated must leave, so that Mark has to leave at the end of this year. Donghyuck cried very hard, his big heart couldn't take the fact that these days shared with his peers will simply vanish, pass-off with time.

Now I stood in front of him and didn't know what to do. "Donghyuck-" I started but he ardently cut off, that I really said thanks in my head for. "Why can't you call me like you used to call me? Why is it so hard to use my nickname or my name at all?" he asked it like a kid would plead their mother. I didn't realise I avoided calling his name but thinking back, I really did. "Uh, I'm sorry I- I didn't intend to" 

As for the nickname I knew the answer. Not using it was a way I simply tried to distance myself, to not bring back the old times and the emotion with it. But I couldn't say that to him just straight from the shoulder, could I? So, I waited again, if he was satisfied or not. 

"And? What should I do with it? How can I understand you? Do you even mean it, 'cause I don't feel you really ask for my understanding..." he sniffled angrily. He looked very cute in this situation it made me soft and warm inside, but I knew I couldn't let it slide just like that. The time had come and I shouldn't have dragged it longer. I shouldn't have even let it go so wild like this – to the point to make him cry? _Gosh, I'm a bad person._

"You came back and I don't get a single glance let alone a smile, I was waiting for you with the others and was happy that you came back and what do I get? Maybe a cold yes or a harsh no" he jabbered. "We didn't end it in bad terms as far as I recall" he faltered a bit as he said it and I looked at him "Or at least I hope..." he glanced up at me with a questioning look and teary eyes. "Did we?"

"Donghy- Haechan" I gulped. "I don't know. I don't think we ended in bad terms." I trailed off.

"I don't think we even ended in any terms" I looked down.

"What- what do you mean?" he looked utterly confused and for a fraction of time I deeply considered Jeno's words about him forgetting the affair. "Oh, shit that?!" he put his palm on his forehead. "You mean your confession?" he whispered in amazement. I winced. I didn't know it would feel this distant, so intimidating and fluttering to hear him talk about it. At times I almost felt like it didn't even happen with me and it was just a bad and awkward dream.

"I- I think you deserve an apology from my side, I didn't pay enough attention to you then." he sobered up from his melancholy, rubbed his eyes and sat aside making place for me to sit down.

"Jeno told me that you are over it and that it wasn't anything but-" my eyes widened at his words and he reacted to it as soon as he saw "Yeah uh- he didn't tell you, he said he didn't want to make you more stressed about it. Back then I was- I was very shocked. It wasn't a friendly move by me but I couldn't help it. I freaked out and ran to Jeno to make sure of what I heard, I heard it well. Then he didn't know anything about it but about two weeks later he informed me that you weren't meaning it that way, but I couldn't make it to you. I was still afraid if I make you uncomfortable with my presence or embarrass you. I- I was embarrassed by myself, that I couldn't manage this on a friendly way." he said nervously tugging his sweater-paws.

"Haechanie" I breathed, and he looked up as his old nickname dropped from my lips. "It's okay, I mean I know, because I felt the same, it was just frustrating that I couldn't tell you- that I couldn't assure you that it's nothing serious" that it was something like a fluttering butterfly, only living for a brief moment of extasy "it died down in me, it wasn't even there" I smiled and warm flow filled my heart. "Do you know what I felt?" he shook his head with curious eyes. "That you are so-so talented and funny and happy and good, that I want to be just like you. As cute, as laid-back, as smart ahh, you're so smart!" I laughed at my own enthusiasm.

Until now, I didn't realise it felt so good to say these things aloud. And his sparkling eyes gave me confidence.

"I look up to you. And in my time of loneliness I missed you, all of you and I was afraid of losing you. And- and after my confession I really thought I will lose you and you hate me. I'm sorry for ignoring you" I broke down with a huge sigh and then I felt an imaginary lightbulb switching on in my head encouraging me to continue. 

"I feel terrible. I created so much confusion and sadness in you. I did it because I felt that we won't be the way we were ever again, and so I didn't want to test it. I don't want just a peer to peer relationship, I want my friend, who I can openly adore... I wanted all of you or nothing and since I thought I messed it up" I choked, missing air to my lungs. "I chose nothing... I'm selfish" I sighed and then laughed "I'm such a coward, aren't I?"

He searched in my eyes with his own wide eyes and with slightly open mouth for almost a whole minute. I stood firmly his stare. Oh, how I missed it. Now I thought I would never be able to ignore him again, ever.

"Jaemin-ah, there are stars in your eyes!" he spoke up suddenly and so gently that my heart ached from it. "I swear you are so precious, don't ever look down on yourself again! Have some _faith!_ "

"What?" I couldn't find a place in our previous conversation, where his words could relate.

"You didn't realise how you talk nonsense about yourself, did you?" Now, it was my place to stare because I didn't have words. "You speak, like you have no worth and you wouldn't work as hard as we all. Or, like you don't have the right to speak for yourself or about your feelings. But that's wrong! You deserve everything and so much more. You deserve the love of all of us and of the fans too. You don't have to be afraid of such things like letting to know you concerns or fears. I could never hate you and we – the Dreamies – will never be strangers to each other," He said and draw me into a hug, leaning his back to the wall.

"true friendship doesn't work like that. The management or a graduation or-" his voiced hitched but he steadied it instantly "parting ways, they won't tear us apart. All of you are so important to me too, especially the three of you – Renjunie, Jeno and you – you know, we are the magical '00 line, we grew up together" he gently pushed my head to his chest and stroked my hair "we know each other inside and out, from up and down, crossways and lengthways" he giggled quietly and I melted in his embrace.

_"Let's get crazy wavy, crazy, wavy"_

I slowly realise that life is much more complicated than we would ever understand and I guess, Fate sorted it out for us in a way that is bearable and looks simple in order not to freak us out but there is an instinct in every people, we feel that life is much more than we think. And we start to dig deeper and want to find out and want to know about _everything_. 

And it wouldn't be a problem if we could keep our calmness and clear mind but most of the time we can't. And that's when panic or depression or anxiety takes over. Or we make hasty decisions, we hurt each other with thoughtless words or the opposite, we miss chances to speak. To speak about things we value in the other or things that are truly important. 

We act from anger and fear. Because we can't seem to find the solution. We're impatient. Impatient with others and impatient with ourselves. We don't pay enough attention how to love. How to love ourselves and others.

How to value the generosity of life.

I want to value the generosity of life.

At the end of the day I figured: it's way easier and peaceful to mind to be positive and hopeful. It's not worth being afraid of something you don't have at your hand right now, so neither the past nor the future. I must start living in the present and stop being afraid – being afraid of my decisions, my responsibilities. Being afraid of my mistakes. Being afraid of life. – I have to stop.

And now that I know it, I have a strange feeling – I feel that I can do it.

_"We be screaming"_

My head laid in Haechan's lap; I think he fell asleep since I didn't initiate further words, his hands were still on my head though. Jeno and Renjun were playing Overwatch in the living-room.

They took the Widowmaker.

Haechan will kill them tomorrow.

Jisung and Chenle will arrive soon and their laughter will bang through the walls. If Mark comes tomorrow it will be more chaotic. And the best yet to come.

The craziness over our comeback, my own comeback, and the next years' problems too, when if things won't change, we'll have to prepare for our leave from DREAM in 2020.

Nothing has changed and still – I felt comfortable now. I didn't need outer peace, I had it inside me.

_"This isn't just my monologue_

_We're dreaming together, dreamers shout back"_

_"GO"_

**The End**

**~** **ㅇ** **•*°^∆^°*•** **ㅇ** **~**

**_"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." /Joshua 1:9/_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, and it's done!
> 
> Thank You for reading it💖
> 
> This story means a lot to me... I don't know, I just felt so much emotions during writing it... 
> 
> And I'm so happy that eventually the 00line didn't have to leave DREAM this year - yet, but I hope they can somehow stay like this...


End file.
